Something Spelled Backwards is NOT a Name

They have yet to enter high school, so I haven’t had a student with one of the most disturbing “trendy” names in rotation today. According to my connections at the elementary school level, there are hordes of young girls saddled with the heinous moniker, Nevaeh. I know what you’re thinking. It must be a name with some kind of cultural origin. Wrong. Take your computer into the bathroom. Hopefully, it’s a laptop, or else it might be a little awkward. Now read your screen in the mirror. Here, I’ll help make it easier: NEVAEH. That’s right. Heaven spelled backwards.

Honestly, I’m not a fan of names that are in reality abstract nouns. Grace, Joy, Hope, Chastity (look for this name later on the “So you want your daughter to be a prostitute?” entry), Faith, Patience, you get the picture. The problem with these kinds of names is two-fold. One, sure they are great qualities that you might want your child to have, but in reality it makes for a terrible name. Two, if you name your child one of these names, there is a 85% chance that your child will exhibit the exact opposite behaviors, traits, and demeanor of the meaning of the name. For example, if you name your daughter Grace, she will most likely be one of the clumsiest kids in her pre-school. Name your daughter Patience, and she will be arrested for road rage at the tender age of 23. Hope? Hope you don’t mind the fact that your daughter will be married and divorced between 5 and 8 times, bear at least half a dozen children and live out her life in Space 17 in the local trailer park. Chastity? Well, you’re just going to have to wait for that other blog entry.

Those are bad enough on their own, but what the hell is up with the spell something backwards aspect of this disaster name Nevaeh? It makes me a little curious about what freaking moron decided that a word, any word, spelled backwards would make a good name for their child. And who are these legions of idiots who see Nevaeh on the baby name website of choice and think to themselves, oh, that’s a precious name for my precious little girl? It also makes me want to call up CPS and report some serious child neglect. As in how can you so greatly and horrifically neglect the well-being of your child by naming them something so stupid. I can’t wait for this generation of Nevaehs to grow up and tell their parents how their name ruined their lives.

Let me put this in perspective. Have you ever seen a movie so horribly, horribly terrible, that it’s painful to watch? Not a bad movie that is a little fun to watch because it’s cheesy, has hokey special effects, questionable acting and unrealistic dialogue. I love those kinds of movies. In fact, I highly recommend any movie with Vincent Price circa 1960s-1970s. I like my special effects with the wires showing. No, I mean a truly terrible movie. The kind where you lament never getting back the two hours of your life you just wasted watching the movie. Something like The Intersection staring Richard Gere. Or anything that has Jennifer Lopez anywhere near it. The kind of movie where you wonder whether a lifetime of blindness would be worth taking a ballpoint pen and stabbing out your own eyes just so you don’t have to see another frame of the awfulness on the screen. Nevaeh is that kind of name.

Baby Naming Tip #2:

Don’t name your child ANYTHING spelled backwards. I promise you, while you think it is “unique” or “precious,” your kid will disagree with you beginning around age 12. The good news for them is that they will be able to answer a variety of inquiries from teachers, new friends, and clerks at the grocery store with one catch-all answer: “My parents were idiots.”

While talking with a couple of my colleagues, one suggested a name. Lived. Wait, it needs an accent. Livéd. That’s better. I think I will suggest it on some of the baby naming websites, sit back, and watch the papers for the next generation of backwards word names.