The Worst Christmas and Holiday Songs of All Time (2008 Edition--Part I)

It’s that time of year. Black Friday is officially over, and one local radio station, K103.3, has been playing holiday music since Halloween. Now, I LOVE the holidays. I am a big fan of the holiday season and all of the good that it can bring out in people. I also LOVE holiday music. I can’t get enough of it. I own many, many Christmas music CDs and I enjoy listening to them. However, whenever there is a lot of good, there also seems to be a lot of bad, and as I have been enjoying holiday music over the airwaves of K103, I have also had moments of absolute cringing. There is some crappy holiday music out there. Many people have already been privy to my rant regarding the horridness that is “Christmas in the Northwest.” I have hated that song for as long as I can remember. We’re talking probably since elementary school I have detested that song. In addition to “Christmas in the Northwest” and all of it’s God’s gift wrapped in green nonsense, there are also some equally inane holiday songs. I wish to share my own list with you. For as many songs as I could, I’ve included links, so you can really appreciate how nauseating some of these songs can be.

There are a few categories that I have created in my head, so for the sake of some organization to this list of auditory slights to humanity, I’m sorting the songs accordingly.

Songs that aren’t really Christmas or Holiday songs, yet they are played only during the Christmas season.

10. “My Favorite Things” Rod Stewart

I have yet to figure out how the musical The Sound of Music and the von Trapp family’s escape from Nazi Germany has anything to do with Christmas. I have to admit I’ve only seen it a couple of times, and that was several years ago, but still. The song does mention some holiday-ish kinds of favorite things like snowflakes on eyelashes and presents wrapped up with string, but that’s about it. There is nothing Christmasy about whiskers on kittens or bright copper kettles. Also consider that raindrops on roses and getting stung by a bee are least likely to happen during the holiday season. While I do really like this song, IT IS NOT A CHRISTMAS SONG, and thus should not be a part of the holiday music selection. ESPECIALLY, if it is Rod Stewart singing. I’ll will take Julie Andrews any day of the week and twice on Sundays. Even aging, I-can’t-sing-like-I-used-to Julie Andrews. But Rod Stewart? Seriously? Have you seen Rod Stewart? He is creepy at best. His particular version of the song (which is truly a good song!) is absolutely terrible. It includes the one, two horrid combination of cheesy saxophone music and well, Rod Stewart. I am a saxophone player. I do love a good saxophone included in a song. However, good is the key word here. Saxophone closing out the song a la Family Ties’ “sha-na-na-na” does not equate good in any way, shape, or form. Rod Stewart singing anything always has the unfortunate consequence of bringing back memories of his “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy?” which I have tried to delete from my brain rather unsuccessfully. No, Rod, no one thinks you’re sexy, and no one wants your body, so let it go already, okay? Shudder.

9. “Linus and Lucy” Vince Guaraldi Trio
Thank the person with some extra freetime who put this on YouTube:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qbiYFA0-8mU

The Vince Guaraldi Trio (www.vinceguaraldi.com) is an amazing group, and it’s really too bad that we don’t hear them year round. However, they are pretty much only known for their work on the Peanuts movies including A Charlie Brown Christmas. They have an expanded album which includes the music from the Christmas movie along with some additional Christmas music such as O Tannenbaum and Hark, the Herald Angels Sing. I love hearing their holiday music played, however, I can’t figure out how “Linus and Lucy” qualifies as a Christmas song. Oh, wait…that’s because it doesn’t. Again, I love this song. This is the kind of song that would justify years of piano lessons as a child just to be able to play this song. Still doesn’t make it a holiday song.

8. “Same Old Lang Syne” Dan Fogelberg
Check it out here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IhjYbfK9vrk

Okay, technically the events occurring during the narration occur on Christmas Eve. It could be a Christmas song…if it had anything to do with holiday kinds of things, but it is just a hokey song about regrets, lost love, blah, blah, blah. I like to call this song, “Getting drunk in a car with my Ex” because that’s more accurate. Apparently the open container law doesn't apply as long as you’re drinking toasts to things like innocence, time, now, and that kind of stuff. It also loses points big time for cheesy saxophone ending. Darn you Kenny G for making people think saxophones should be utilized in such a terrible way! Though you do really have to appreciate the intensity with which Dan Fogelbery sings this song. It’s almost like the more expressive his eyebrows are and the more he wiggles his face, the better he thinks the song will sound. I also can't believe that many people paid money to see Dan Fogelberg. Look how many people are in the audience! And yes, I know Dan Fogelberg is dead, and that it is impolite to mock the dead, but watch the video. It deserves mocking.

Stay tuned for Part II of The Worst Christmas and Holiday Songs of All Time.