Tuesday, December 2, 2008

The Worst Christmas and Holiday Songs of All Time (2008 Edition) Part II

Here is the next section of terrible holiday songs.

Children are meant to be seen and not heard. And for heaven’s sake, they shouldn’t be singing stupid Christmas songs.

Children’s choirs are one of the most nauseating facets of the human experience. I fully accept actual children’s choirs at school functions, in church, and those kinds of situations. Children all singing together has that kind of grating quality similar to 5th grade bands. It’s not endearing; it’s just tolerable because you know they are trying. They’re just not musically talented enough yet to understand the concept of “in tune.” It’s a learning curve, and I have faith that as they grow, they will get better. However, whoever thought that it would be cute or fun for children to sing along with adults in recorded music must have been tone deaf. Children learning to sing is one thing. Children singing like they’re professionals is just annoying. They are only one step up from child actors. I loathe child actors. If you really want to ruin a movie, add a child actor. Or maybe Jennifer Lopez. If you really want to ruin a song, add a children’s choir, or even better, have a child sing it all by him or herself.

7. “I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas” Gayla Peevey
I can’t believe this is actually on You Tube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KtqIM_bPTws

This song is from the 1950s, but it demonstrates a timeless fact: children are annoying when they sing. Yes, I’m a jerk. But I’m a jerk who is right. This was originally recorded as a fundraiser to bring a hippo to the local zoo in Oklahoma City. (Check out the site for this song: http://homepage.mac.com/thetexansundial/hippopotamus/Personal151.html) That is fantastic. I’m a zoo member for the Oregon Zoo. I appreciate preserving animals and such. However, the zoo got its hippo. So why in the hell is this song still playing on the radio 55 years later? That hippo is probably dead by now, but we still have to suffer. And riddle me this: how is this song not annoying? I was trying to describe this song to a friend of mine, and she replied with, “that sounds awful.” Yes, yes it does.

6. “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” Jimmy Boyd
Here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWjIAWtfiI8

I had no idea that Christmas songs sung by young children was all the rage in the 1950s. Apparently, it was because the original version of this song is from the same era as the hippo song. John—don’t call me Cougar—Mellencamp has covered this song with slightly less annoyance, but the song’s content is really what bothers me. Were there actually parents in the 1950s dressing up as Santa to deliver their own children’s presents? Was dear Jimmy so deluded to think that Santa wasn’t really his dad? Is Santa real, and he has a little something on the side with Jimmy’s and countless other kids’ moms? My favorite guess is that Jimmy’s mom had a Santa fantasy that Jimmy was just too young to understand. If that is the case, you go Jimmy’s mom and dad. Overall, if this song insists on staying around, I believe it is in desperate need of an update. With half of marriages in the U.S. ending in divorce, I’m thinking, “Mommy’s New Boyfriend Looks a lot like Santa Claus” would be much more accurate.

5. “All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth” Spike Jones
Here you go: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lYsgcvLXUsQ&feature=related

This song is beyond annoying. The tone with which the young lad sings this song is painful to hear. The whistling speech impediment a la the beaver from Lady and the Tramp or Ramblin’ Rod (how is that for an obscure reference? I imagine most of you will be Googling that one.) is infuriating. Children with speech impediments are not cute. They are a cry for help in the form of speech therapy. And why does he sound just like the old pervert Herbert from Family Guy? I guess the overall issue I have with this song is similar to the to the other children singing songs mentioned previously. Why are we still tortured with these songs over 50 years after they first began making ears bleed? Let them go, people. They aren’t cute; they’re just obnoxious.

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